sometimes you just need to lay on the floor and do nothing for three years
I’m sharing this now, not because I’m fully over what I brought upon myself almost 2 years ago, but because I want to inform people, and maybe, even possibly stop someone from ever starting themselves.
I first cut myself in January 2013. It was with a razor to shave your legs with, and it was on the inside of my wrist straight down from where my thumb is. I thought oh okay I won’t do that again. Just a one time thing.
So wrong. Its never a one time thing. That continued for the next 6 months, until my family found out & threw away the blade I had. They wanted to put me in counseling but I personally don’t believe in that and do not think it works for me.
It was now summer time, I was out of school, didn’t have all the pressures of freshman year and drama and heartbreak. I had a summer where I was clean all summer. The whole 2 and half months we have.
September comes around, and 3 DAYS BEFORE SCHOOL STARTS, I relapsed. I was so stressed and not happy with school starting and school in general. Its stressful and adults do not seem to see that. September was also when I accidentally made my deepest cut. Reaching the meat, scared I’d need stitches I used butterfly stitches so I wouldn’t have to tell anyone. I was carelessly going away at my arm and accidentally went too deep. I was terrified. Not like just a little freaked out, terrified. Some people may like the deep cuts, the ones you need stitches for. I personally did not. It made me stop for a little while.
But all this wasn’t just my arms, it was my upper arms, my stomach, my thighs, and my hips. The thigh ones, since theres more meat on my legs, ended up being deep no matter what & have left the most visible scars on me.
Remember, I’m not sharing this for attention, or because I’m fully over this whole thing. I’ll get to my point soon.
Again, my dad finds out I’m harming myself again because of my tweets, they seemed depressing, sad, etc.
He sees I recently have hurt myself & makes me go to counseling with him.
It of course doesn’t help me, but I appreciated the offer for help and the sweet lady that talked to me, no matter how stubborn I am.
I continue to on and off harm myself until the April-May region of 2014. For the past year or so I have every day thought about starving myself, and weighed the options and health issues of starving myself. Its a constant struggle. I think it was the end of May that I last cut myself and its the end of July now. So 2 months. Ive gone 2 months without picking up my blade out of the little drawer and carelessly harming myself for no good reason at all. This year has been amazing. I’ve met demi lovato, went to so many concerts already, done really fun things with my friends. Dropped some friends because I dont need the toxicity of them around me. But what I’m really saying is, I didn’t even need a reason to hurt myself most of the time. I would just do it because I could, and I missed the scars and the still fresh cuts for me to look at. I didn’t do it for attention, or to get people to see them and love me more. Solely for me. Selfish thing to do. And lately I’ve felt like I’m okay. Everyday is a step towards recovery. Bur recovery isnt a one day, one week or even one year thing. It takes time. And you WILL slip up. You’re human. I know I have. Everyday gone without hurting myself is amazing. But I still, get highly triggered at the sight of my body losing it’s scars. Once you start, its hard to stop or not think about. It consumes you and your mind. You think “oh only once” it is never only once. It is an addiction no matter what anyone says. Its not a trend, its not cool, it won’t make people fall in love with you, it’s an addiction and its painful. So please, when you get really really low and sad and feel like you wanna start harming yourself just to see what its like, DON’T. DON’T START IT. DON’T GET HOLD OF ANYTHING TO HURT YOURSELF. DON’T SCRATCH YOURSELF, BURN YOURSELF, ANYTHING. COME TO ME, MY ASK, MY KIK IS IN MY BLOG, I OPENLY WILL GIVE YOU MY PHONE NUMBER, SNAPCHAT, TWITTER I DONT CARE. I want you to feel loved and cared for, like I never really got. Its not fun being alone and not wanting to tell anyone why you’re so sad. I am always here. Instead of picking up that thing to hurt yourself with, COME TO MY ASK. MY KIK, MY PHONE. Please. I beg you. I wanna help and I truly care about every single person, no matter what you’ve done or what you do. I recently have been getting closer to God and I know that he loves all no matter what, and forgives all, so I need to as well. Don’t hesitate. Dont hurt yourself. I love you so much and you are very much worthy of this wonderful life you can live.
Sorry for this long post, but I needed to say something. Thanks.
This is currently true
But ask me this at 2 am
When I have tear-stained eyes
And uttering silent cries
Ask me with blood pouring from my hips
Because by morning I’ll lie to you again
With a smile painted on my lips.❞